My friend recently bought a house. One feature that he and his wife
especially liked was the back yard. It was enclosed by a fence, six-feet high
and on three sides, giving them a good deal of privacy. But, there was one
problem. Several sections of the fence had been blown down during a recent
winter storm. Each fence section was too long and heavy for the couple to
re-install themselves. If they were to ask their neighbor to help them, it
would probably take only a Saturday afternoon to complete the repairs. But they
had never met their neighbor. Would they ask the neighbor for help?
Requesting assistance from friends, neighbors or colleagues at work, is
something many people have trouble doing. In a society largely based on solving
our problems ourselves, we are taught from an early age to take pride in
being self-reliant. Just go to any bookstore or library and browse the
voluminous self-help section!
There are many reasons people fear requesting assistance, primary among
those reasons not wanting to appear weak, needy or incompetent. There is a
tendency to feel that asking for help reveals some kind of deficiency. That, if
we let down our guard, we'll get hurt, or that the information that one doesn't
know how to do a particular thing, will be used against them. The danger,
however, is that stalling can let the situation grow from a problem into a
crisis.
Another fear is that if you ask for help, you are surrendering all control,
and that the person you ask to help you will take over the entire project.
Sometimes we fear that if we ask for help, we'll get more help than we want or
need. If we present the need to the wrong individual, we may have bought
a hovering, patronizing relationship. You've asked for help getting across a
stream, and they're building you a boat!
There is also the fear of what someone is going to ask in return. No one
likes to feel indebted, and asking someone else to come to our aid can shift a
relationship's power balance. Most of us prefer the situation to be reciprocal
---- "I will help you on this piece of work, if you help me with something I am
trying to do." "I will pick up your child from school; can you have mine over
for a play date next week?"
One reason asking for help is difficult is that most people have never been
taught how to ask properly. So, we do it badly, sometimes using guilt, coercion
or even blackmail. We solicit pity when we want assistance. We ask the wrong
person. We have felt humiliated doing it in the past, so we fear doing it in the
future. Be straightforward. Ask in specific terms, but do not micromanage.
Make the request in person and in private. Pick-up on clues --- is that an
enthusiastic or reluctant "yes?" Say thanks when the agreement is struck, when
the need is met, and when you next see the person who helped you.
Now, there is one more place to ask for help ---- asking God. It is easy,
but for some people it is the hardest "ask" for them to remember. Go back
through the previous paragraphs. The same issues apply when asking God for
help, with one big exception. God does not require task reciprocity for His
help. Our's is a God of unconditional love. He just wants us to believe in Him,
to trust Him, and to love Him.
For what problems do we ask God's help? Surely we do not ask his help in
fixing our back yard fence. But, we should ask God often to strengthen
us for choosing "the right path." We need to ask God frequently to guide
us in following His will, and to strengthen us for averting the temptation to
simply do our own will. We need God's help to endure when it
seems our troubles are endless. There are so many other reasons you can think
of when we should remember to freely ask God for help ---- we just need to do
it. We can do it very simply ---- through prayer.
Philip Yancey has written a useful book on prayer, entitled: "Prayer, Does
It Make Any Difference?" Yancey says that God invites us to ask plainly for
what we need. Yancey tells us that we will not be scolded any more than a child
who climbs into her parent's lap and presents a Christmas wish list.
All too often we crowd out prayer because in other activities we see
tangible results. With prayer much of the benefit takes place behind the
scenes, beneath the level of conscious awareness, in ways difficult to measure.
The very process of "wasting time" with God can change us on the inside.
Importantly, any therapeutic value from Christian prayer comes as an
"outgrowth," not the accomplishment of some concrete goal. Perhaps we often may
need the help of both God and some willing human person.
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These thoughts are brought to you by CPC's Adult Spiritual Development
Team, hoping to encourage you to pursue some personal spiritual growth this
winter at CPC.
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