Many years ago, while I was working for a firm in New York City, I had an
awkward situation with a friend of mine.
We worked in different departments, but often got together for
lunch. We were good friends, I thought. His name was John, and he and I had graduated
from the same college in the same class.
Maybe it was at the water cooler that I overheard mention of
a “hot” project already underway, a project that might bring great changes to
our firm. It required reorganizing the
firm to be more off-shore based, to save on taxes. Of course, I was interested ---- I had done
graduate work in international transactions and taxation. I was immediately excited, and began to look
for a way to attach myself to this project.
Wow! I learned right
away that John was already the project manager, and Senior Management expected
his final report within a week, after six months of preparation. I was speechless! John had never mentioned to me this
six-months-plus project. I was
indignant! Clearly, I was better
qualified than he, and being in a different department would not have
disqualified me ---- the firm used the best qualified people. But John apparently had never put my name
forward, and now he was in for a large dose of glory ---- including a
presentation to the Board of Directors, and a possible promotion.
John had really hurt my feelings. Was I discovering that, in fact, he was not
really my friend? Was he simply out for
himself?
After a few days of angry thoughts about John, I tried to
become a little more objective, and realized that at one extreme I could try to
make John accountable for the hurt and betrayal he had caused me. On the other hand, I could forgive
John, and we could continue to be friends.
Here are some of the thoughts that buzzed through my head from this
dilemma.
Personal accountability lessons have occurred periodically
throughout my life, and those lessons have taught me a lot about being
responsible for things I have done, or omitted doing. It has also taught me that people who do
hurtful things to me are responsible for their actions.
On a larger scale, society needs accountability for much of
what individuals do to each other. So,we
cast those rules as “laws,” enforced by policemen and the law courts. The penalty for breaking these formal
“accountability” rules (laws) is usually to pay a fine, or to be incarcerated
for a period of time.
We also have unwritten, but learned, cultural rules related
to personal hurt. These are enforced by
individuals informally ---- by guilt, blame, hurt, broken relationships, broken
hearts. Of course, life is not only
about brokenness, guilt and disappointments.
It is full of wonderful challenges and deep and abiding connections with
our loved ones. And one of the mysteries
that can be the source of great hope is the way in which broken hearts can be
mended, estranged relationships can be healed, enemies can become friends and
the grievous ways in which we sometimes treat each other are not always
turned back on us in cycles of vengeance.
Instead, the response is a love that refuses to return evil for evil.
Forgiveness, of course, is not an easy practice to
master. Sometimes hurts seem too great,
betrayals too treacherous, to be forgiven.
Sometimes forgiveness can be mistaken for weakness and vulnerability,
even by those who would forgive.
So, how do we forgive?
What does it mean to reconcile with our “enemy”? Can we learn to forgive those who have hurt
us so deeply that the pain does not seem to go away? How do we forgive when our inner balance
sheet, perhaps keeping accounts since childhood, tells us that life has not
been fair?
We understand, on the one hand, that God’s grace forgives us
and frees us to love one another, to risk confessing our sins and making amends
where this is possible and appropriate.
But we also realize that, for victims of sin, it is primarily God’s
grace that heals and frees wounded persons from injuries that would sink their
souls.
Forgiveness is about being able to accept our human
situation, with all the ambiguity and messiness itentails. It’s about accepting the fact that inevitably
people do disappoint one another.
Because we are limited in time, in talent and in ability to truly
understand everything about one another, we often miss the mark.
We forget birthdays or an old friend’s name. We get so caught up in a project that we
overlook the misery or happiness on another’s face. We have to make choices about how to spend
our time and resources, which means choosing what not to
do, as well as what to do. Forgiveness
means accepting others ---- and ourselves ---- as human and not divine. Forgiveness means resisting a defensive
response when we are hurt or, paradoxically, when we hurt others ---- a
response that would mean cutting another off, or cutting ourselves off, from
community with others so that we would not be further hurt, or be able to
inflict hurt again. Forgiveness means
risking the pain of living, and holding to a hope that disappointments and hurt
do not have to be the final word.
Forgiveness is a process ---- a journey. As much as we might like forgiveness to be a
“forgive and forget” moment, lives do not work that way. Old hurts have a way of resurfacing so we are
led to examine a new facet of a wound we had hoped had healed. Forgiveness is a commitment to face life with
a posture that risks rather than protects, while struggling with the fact that
there are times when protection is the wise choice.
Forgiveness is not passivity. It is an active response to brokenness. While refusing to return evil for evil,
forgiveness can also be an act of resistance, refusing to let evil continue. Martin Luther King, Jr.’s tactic of
nonviolent resistance is an example of forgiveness that refuses to let evil
continue. By resisting segregation,
civil rights workers were saying no to racism, but by being nonviolent they
were inviting the enemy to join the community.
Forgiveness loves the sinner while saying clearly that the sin is unacceptable.
Later that week, John and I did
have lunch together. I told John I hoped
his Board presentation would go well.
These thoughts are
brought to you by CPC’s Adult Spiritual Development Team, hoping to encourage
you in some personal spiritual growth this Fall at CPC.
_________________________
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