When I was in my teens, the couple living next door made
room for the wife's mother to come and live with them. The wife's father
had died, so they decided that "Mom" should come up from North
Carolina and live with her kids. They had room in their house, and this
way they would not have to worry about how "Mom" was doing, living
alone.
It was a big adjustment for "Mom," but she
appreciated the effort to care for her. She even grew to enjoy the cold
winters up north.
But, we all know of families where caring for one or both
aging parents is not as simple as this. When aging parents and their adult
children live hundreds or thousands of miles apart, the care effort is
challenging. Every such family situation is different, of course, so
there are no simple answers. However, here are some suggestions that
might make the job easier and more fun.
If you have raised children, you might think that taking
care of children and taking care of parents are vastly different. The
first involves gradually introducing someone to a larger world. The
second, helping someone disengage from the world. With children,
we expect it will take a bit of time to care for them. With parents, we
are surprised by how much time it may take.
Also, the challenges seem almost reversed. Parents of
children are badgered not to be "helicopter" parents, hovering
over their kids and not allowing them to make mistakes. But children of
aging parents are told to hover more ---- step up, provide support,
offer distraction. Hounded not to be "helicopter" parents to
our kids, now we're challenged to be "tugboat children" to our
parents, steering them through narrowing waters.
Perhaps the most basic thing we do both for our kids and our
parents, is to keep them safe. For example, it is important to consider
interviewing other care givers who help the family, at the end of their
shifts. Many day-to-day responsibilities simply involve the repetitive
tasks of getting the "patient" dressed, fed, medicated and bathed,
but a daily brief review with the caregiver may catch a physical health problem
while it can be easily managed.
One of the most important safety tasks is to fully
understand the instructions of the aging parent's doctor, and then ensure that those
instructions are carried out timely, accurately and fully. Forgetful
aging parents will forget to take their evening pills, or will eat foods that
we know disagree with them. However, there are low-key ways to monitor
this. For example, a pill box with compartments for each day (or morning,
noon and night) show immediately if prescribed pills have indeed been taken,
while the caregiver may have been otherwise occupied.
But sometimes protecting parents means not telling them
everything. The single hardest thing for the caregivers of Alzheimer
patients to learn may be that they can't always be honest with the patient.
When they tell you something you know to be false, your instinct is to correct
them. "Sorry, Mom, Dad has been dead for 20 years."
But caregivers learn that the only way to handle these moments probably
is to conform to the patient's understanding of the world. "Yes,
Mom, Dad must have enjoyed that visit with the grand kids."
Another issue is that both children and older parents need
help managing money. Careful review of a parent's bills may reveal
savings they overlooked because they perpetuated spending habits of earlier
days, which are no longer necessary. Of course, this can also lead to
some awkward conversations, while we gently make the case that they no longer
need to be purchasing certain items. Someone suggested a "financial
driver's license" for older Americans to prove their financial
competence. In effect saying, "You are allowed to drive your own
decisions, Mom and Dad, but only if one of your kids is with you in the
car."
Help in managing money often starts in the area of regularly
paying the bills, making timely bank deposits of interest and dividend checks,
and generally keeping complete and accurate checkbook records. It is
normal for aging parents to become forgetful. Caregivers need to find a
way to monitor these important, but routine tasks without offending the senior
citizen involved----
a person who probably had successfully managed such things
for decades. Find ways to monitor bank balances without second-guessing
every transaction, and do it regularly. The penalties for financial
"drift" can be painful.
"I'm bored." When I was young, I was
expected to have hobbies and sports, and thus be able to entertain
myself. Now, parents may ask us to entertain them. As people
age, generally their social circles shrink, and while this allows older people
to focus more on those they really care about, it also increases the burden on
their children. Anyone who cares for parents is constantly sending along
recommendations for entertainment, just as we do with kids. "I think
you would like this book." "Should we play a game of
cards?" Happily, such activity suggestions may help. Studies
show that learning new skills, being creative, or even reminiscing, makes
"patients" happier ---- and often makes their caregiver happier, too.
For some aging parents, various forms of art activities
might become a passion that is discovered only later in life. For seniors
whose worlds are often shrinking, the arts may cause new worlds to open.
Just attempting something creative with an oil, acrylic or watercolor
paintbrush, or simply drawing, can bring increased self-esteem and feelings of
accomplishment.
Some seniors have dedicated many decades of their lives to
earning a living, and never felt they could afford to explore non-remunerative
creative outlets. Now, they can be encouraged to embrace new and positive
aspects of their personal identity, for fun ---- not worrying about profit.
Those families and friends who are caring for aging parents
understand the upside-down emotions of taking care of someone who once took
care of them. We may think of life as moving in one direction, from
dependence to independence. We might also expect that our parent is
moving in a single direction, too ---- eventually, from adulthood to
childhood. But, both of these simplistic notions are wrong. The
teaching and learning in life always moves in two directions
at once, because all along a great amount of what parents learn is taught by
their children, whether the children be youth or adults, and the children
should continue to be learning from and be engaged with their aging parents.
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These thoughts are brought to you by CPC's Adult
Spiritual Development Team, hoping to encourage you to pursue some personal
spiritual growth this spring at CPC.
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