My friend recently bought a house. One feature that he
and his wife especially liked was the back yard. It was enclosed by a
fence, seven feet high, and on three sides, giving them a good deal of
privacy. But there was one problem. Several sections of the fence
had been blown down during a recent winter storm. Each fence section was
too long and heavy for the couple to re-install themselves. If they were
to ask their neighbor to help them, it would probably take only a couple of
hours on a Saturday afternoon to complete the repairs. But they had never
met their neighbor. Would they actually ask the neighbor for help?
What's The Problem?
Requesting assistance from friends, neighbors or colleagues
at work, is something many people have trouble doing. In a society
largely based on solving our problems ourselves, we are taught from an early
age to take pride in being self-reliant. Just go to any bookstore or
library and browse the voluminous self-help section!
There are many reasons people fear requesting
assistance. Some people just do not want to appear weak, needy or
incompetent. For them there is a tendency to feel that asking for help
shows some kind of deficiency. That, if we let down our guard, we'll get
hurt. Or, that revealing the fact that one doesn't know how to do a
particular thing, will be used against us. The danger, however, is that
stalling can cause the situation grow from a problem into a crisis.
Another fear is that if we ask for help, we are surrendering
all control, and the person you ask to help you may take over the entire
project. Sometimes we fear that if we ask for help, we'll get more help
than we want or need. If we present the need to the wrong person,
we might be stuck in a hovering, patronizing relationship. Like asking
for help to walk across a stream, and the helper wants to build you a boat!
There is also the fear of what someone is going to ask in
return. No one likes to feel indebted, and asking someone else to come to
our aid can shift a relationship's power balance. Most of us prefer the
situation to be reciprocal ---- "I will help you on this piece of work, if
you help me with something I am trying to do." "I will pick
your child from school; can you have mine over for a play date next week?"
One reason asking for help is difficult is that most people
have never been taught how to ask properly. So, we do it badly, sometimes
using guilt, coercion or even blackmail. We solicit pity when we want
assistance. We ask the wrong person. We have felt humiliated asking
in the past, so we fear doing it in the future. Be straightforward.
Ask in specific terms, but do not micromanage. Make the request in person
and in private. Pick up on clues ---- is that an enthusiastic
"yes" or a reluctant one? Say thanks when the agreement is
struck, when the need is met, and when you next see the person who helped you.
Is There Any Other Source Of Help?
There is one more place to ask for help ---- ask God.
It is easy, but for some people it is the hardest "ask" for them to
remember. Go back through the previous paragraphs. The same issues
apply when asking God for help, with one big exception. God does
not require us to reciprocate by doing some task for him, for his help.
Ours is a God of unconditional love. He just wants us to believe in Him,
to trust Him, and to love Him.
For what problems do we ask God's help? Surely we do
not ask his help for fixing our back yard fence. But, we should ask God
often to strengthen us for choosing the "right path." We need to ask
God frequently to guide us in following His will, and to strengthen us for averting
the temptation to simply do our own will. We need God's help to
endure when it seems our troubles are endless. There are so many other
times one can think of when we should remember to freely ask God for help ----
we just need to do it. We can do it very simply ---- through prayer.
Philip Yancey has written a useful book on prayer, entitled:
Prayer, Does It Make Any Difference? Yancey
says that God invites us to ask plainly for what we need. Yancey
tells us that we will not be scolded any more than a child who climbs into her
parent's lap and presents a Christmas wish list.
All too often we crowd out prayer because in alternative
activities we see tangible results. With prayer much of the benefit
takes place within us and behind the scenes, beneath the level of conscious
awareness, and in ways difficult to measure. But the very process of
"wasting time" with God can actually change us on the inside.
Essentially, any therapeutic value from Christian prayer comes as a spiritual
"boost", not the accomplishment of some concrete goal. Perhaps
we may often need the help of both God and some willing human person.
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These thoughts are brought to you by CPC's Adult
Spiritual Development Team, hoping to encourage you to pursue some
personal spiritual growth this spring at CPC.
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