From time to time, we all have
a friend or two whose morale seems low. Perhaps they are bored with their
job, overwhelmed by medical or financial issues, or just overworked. As a
caring friend, you wonder if there is anything you can do to help. And yet, we
do not want to intrude too much on their privacy, or imply that we think they
are not up to solving their own problems, by themselves.
There are a number of ways to
engage our hurting friend in personal conversation, but one way I have often
found fruitful is to gently ask, "What personal gifts do you think you
have?" The very nature of the question ---- "What gifts do you
have?" ---- seems to affirm the person's dignity and hopefully encourages
them to take a more positive attitude about their life. This is not
asking how do they spend their time, but rather to think about the choices they
might be making in the use of their personal gifts.
I think of a "personal
gift" as any talent or skill which one uses better, easier or more successfully
than most other people. Therefore, employing one's personal gifts is
often a source of pleasure, providing a warm sense of achievement.
Usually the friend will cite a
gift or two, with a sense of pride. What personal gifts has God given
to you that can be used to improve your life? Too often
folks do not even focus on whether they have any "gifts."
So, they need to take inventory. How can they be a better steward
of their gifts and personal resources, and thus develop the God-given potential
that they have had from the very start?
Surprisingly, a person's
inward opinion of their gifts may be quite different from what they tell you
about themselves. Sometimes a bit of false modesty creeps in ---- they do
not want to appear to be bragging! At other times we'll hear a personal
gift described that had totally eluded us in our relationship with this
friend. I remember that as a teenager I had some dreams based on gifts I
"wished" myself into believing that I had, but didn't have. Luckily I
outgrew those false gift illusions.
So, what do you say to a
friend who tells you, "Yes, I have several personal gifts I would like to
develop, but my daily life is already committed ---- I have a demanding job,
and a wife and kids, so I have no time just now to try new things."
Many of us can sympathize with this over-committed friend. It may
sound a little grand, but how about trying to enjoy the feast by taking just a
few bites at a time, chewing thoroughly, and then savoring the flavor?
I once had a friend who had a
passion for soccer, but knew he was no longer young enough to continue
playing. He turned to coaching a YMCA youth team and was happy to
discover that he not only had a gift for soccer, but also a gift for teaching
youngsters the finer points of the game. He simply adjusted how to use
his gifts to fit his new circumstances.
This reminds me of another
important point. When you inventory your personal gifts, some of those
gifts show up over and over again through the years. However, be alert to
new arrivals. New experiences, new challenges and new relationships with
other people, may bring some new items to our personal gift inventory.
Some people call this "growth" ---- you should treat it as a
blessing, and put it to work.
Where does this take us?
First, we need to be really clear about the nature of our own gifts, and find
ways and time to employ them. Secondly, when we encounter someone who
will focus mainly on his or her problems, not on their gifts, draw them into conversation
about this unfamiliar aspect of their lives, their gifts. If you are
lucky, you will have some impact on their viewpoint ---- a negative viewpoint
that has been blinding them to the capabilities, skills and resources they
possess. Ideally, they will come to see a person (themselves) who is full
of possibilities given to them by God.
The beauty of this approach is
that their "cure" comes from within themselves ---- you are simply
the catalyst and encouragement, but that is indispensable help. Remember, your
role as encourager is not a one-shot assignment. Keep giving positive
reinforcement, praise, and appreciation to your friend, for continuing the
hard work they have started.
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These thoughts are brought
to you by CPC's Adult Spiritual Development Team, hoping to encourage you to
pursue some
personal spiritual growth
this fall at CPC.
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