Recently, my cousin Jeff from the mid-West, came to New York
City for some job interviews. He was in his early twenties and had
recently graduated from college. He stayed with us for several days, so
we had a chance to get much better acquainted.
By the third day of interviews, it was clear Jeff was
discouraged and at "loose ends" about his career plans. As
caring family members, my wife and I wondered if there was anything we could do
to help him. And yet, we did not want to intrude too much on his privacy,
nor imply that we thought he was not able to solve his own problems.
Jeff said the job interviews had not gone well ---- either
the interviews fell flat, or Jeff found the prospective employer and/or the
offered job to be disappointing. He said that his career planning now
seemed to be a failure. Therefore, I thought a little coaching might be
helpful.
There are a number of ways to engage a hurting person in
personal conversation, but one way I have found fruitful is to gently
ask, "What personal gifts do you think you have?" The very
nature of the question ---- "What gifts do you think you have?" seems
to affirm the person's dignity and hopefully encourages them to take a more
positive attitude about their life. This is not asking how they spend
their free time, but rather to think about the choices they might make in the
use of their personal gifts.
I think of a "personal gift" as any talent or
skill which one uses better, easier or more successfully than most other
people.
After an awkward moment, Jeff cited a gift or two, with some
sense of pride. I asked Jeff to think more broadly ---- were there any
other God-given gifts that he could use to improve his life? "Too
many folks do not focus on whether they possess any gifts," I told
Jeff. "So, you and they need to take an inventory. How can one
be a good steward of their gifts and personal resources, if they do not even know
what all of them are? We need this so we can develop the potential
which God gives us from the very start.?"
Surprisingly, one's opinion of their gifts may be quite
different from what they tell you about themselves. Sometimes a bit of
false modesty creeps in ---- they do not want to appear to be bragging!
At other times we'll hear a gift described that had totally eluded us in our
relationship with this person. I remember that as a teenager I had some
dreams based on gifts I "wished" myself into believing I possessed,
but it turned out I did not actually have them. Luckily, I outgrew those
false personal gift illusions.
So, what do you say to a friend who tells you, "Yes. I
have several gifts I would like to develop, but my daily life is already crazy
with commitments?" Well, Jeff's reaction was along those
lines.
"I have college debt, a girl friend who wants to get
married and move to California, and I need to do odd jobs to pay my other
current bills." Many of us can sympathize with fully-committed
Jeff. It may sound a little bit grand, but how about trying to enjoy a
feast by taking just a few bites at a time, chewing thoroughly and then
savoring the flavor?
I once had a friend who had a passion for soccer, but knew
he was no longer young enough to continue playing. He turned to coaching
a YMCA youth team and was happy to discover that he had a gift for teaching
youngsters the finer points of soccer. He simply adjusted how to use his
gift, to fit his new circumstances.
This reminds me of another important point. When you
inventory your personal gifts, some of those gifts show up over and over again
through the years. However, be alert to new arrivals. New experiences,
new challenges and new relationships with other people, may bring some new
items to our personal gift inventory. Some people call this
"growth" ---- you should treat it as a blessing, and put it to work.
Where does this take us? First, we need to be really
clear about our own gifts, and find ways and time to employ them.
Secondly, when we encounter someone who will focus mainly on his or her problems,
not on their gifts, draw them into conversation about this unfamiliar
aspect of their lives ---- their personal gifts. If you are lucky you
will have some impact on their viewpoint ---- a negative viewpoint that has
been blinding them to the capabilities, skills and resources they
possess. Ideally, they will come to see a person (themselves) who is full
of possibilities given to them by God. The beauty of this approach is
that their "cure" comes from within themselves ---- you are simply
the catalyst and encouragement, but that is indispensable help. Remember,
your job as encourager is not a one-shot assignment. Keep giving positive
reinforcement, praise and appreciation to your friend, for continuing
the hard work they have started.
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These thoughts are brought to you by CPC's Adult
Spiritual Development Team, hoping to encourage you to pursue some
personal spiritual growth this summer a t CPC.
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