Last Spring, my niece Caroline had finished her Freshman
year at college. She had worked hard and earned good grades. She
made some new friends from other parts of the country. She told me that
as she looks back on her high school years, she can see that she is more
self-confident and more socially skilled.
"But one thing still bothers me," she said, as we
recently met for lunch. "Someone in my dormitory put out on the internet
some stories about me that were not true, and they were very
embarrassing. Before I realized it, everyone had heard these false
stories."
"I persuaded several friends to put out messages of
rebuttal, but not everyone on campus believed the rebuttals. It was very
hurtful. It caused me much pain and social isolation. I
became quite bitter and thought about revenge."
"Then I discovered who was the author of these
falsehoods," Caroline said.
Some of Caroline's friends had now encouraged her to
confront the person. Caroline says she is faced with a dilemma.
"Do I forgive the perpetrator, or seek revenge?"
As Caroline's "wise, old uncle," I thought I was
being asked for advice. So, here is what I told Caroline.
"Let's look at the two sides of your dilemma," I
suggested. What message does that word FORGIVE convey? I think
Webster's tells us it means ceasing to feel resentment against an
offender."
"But, there is a lot to be said for not
forgiving people who have done us wrong. Why should people who have upset
our lives, leaving us bleeding in their wake, expect us to forgive everything
and act as if nothing went wrong? We are not talking about the petty
slights that we all inevitably suffer. We are talking about forgiving
people who have hurt us deeply and unfairly. If forgiving leaves the
victim exposed and encourages the wrongdoer to hurt again, why forgive?"
"But, if you hurt me and I retaliate in kind, I may
think I have given you only what you deserve, no more. But you will feel
it as a hurt that is too great to accept. Your passions for fairness will
force you to retaliate against me, harder this time. Then it will be my
turn. And will it ever stop? This is how family feuds progress, and
go on and on until everyone is dead ---- or gets too old and too tired to
fight."
Now, let's look at forgiveness. It is not simply the
alternative to revenge just because forgiveness is soft and gentle. It is
the best alternative because it is the only creative route to less
unfairness. Hard as forgiveness seems at the time, forgiveness has
creative power to move us from a past moment of pain, block us from an endless
chain of pain-giving reactions, and to create a new situation in which both the
wrongdoer and the wronged can begin in a new way. There is no guarantee,
but forgiving is the only door open to new possibilities."
So, how do we bring ourselves to forgive?
Forgiveness means accepting others ---- and ourselves ---- as human and not
perfect. Forgiveness means resisting an emotional, defensive response
when we are hurt. Of not allowing their act of disrespect to diminish our
own sense of self-worth. Forgiveness means taking the risk of exposing
our emotions to pain, and holding to a hope that disappointments and hurt do not
have to be the last word."
I continued, "Forgiveness is a process ---- a journey,
which makes it even more difficult to accomplish. As much as we might
like forgiveness to be a 'forgive and forget' moment, lives do not work that
way. Old hurts are wrapped up in our emotions, and have a way of
re-surfacing. So, we may think later that we need to examine a new facet
of the wound we had hoped had healed. Basically, forgiveness is a commitment
to face life with a posture that takes risks rather than protecting.
Meanwhile, we struggle with the possibility that protection may actually
be the wise choice in some situations."
"Finally," I said, "forgiveness is not
passivity. It is an active response to brokenness. While refusing
to return evil for evil, forgiveness can also be an act of resistance, refusing
to let evil continue. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s tactic of non-violent
resistance is an example of forgiveness that refuses to let evil
continue. By resisting segregation, civil rights workers were saying
"no" to racism, but by being non-violent they were
inviting the enemy to join the community. Forgiveness loves the sinner,
while saying clearly that the sin is unacceptable."
About then the waiter brought our check, and Caroline
remembered she had a babysitting assignment. "If I'm late, I am not
sure they will forgive me," Caroline said with a chuckle.
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These thoughts are brought to you by the Adult Spiritual
Education Team at CPC, hoping to encourage your personal spiritual growth this
Fall.
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