The need for love, connection and meaningfulness doesn't
stop just because we get old.
If you have raised children, you might think that taking
care of children and taking care of the elderly are vastly different. The
first involves gradually introducing someone to the larger world. The
second, helping someone disengage from the world. With children,
we expect it will take time to care for them. With the elderly, we are
surprised by how much time it may take.
Also, the challenges seem almost reversed. Parents of
children are badgered not to be "helicopter parents," hovering over
their kids and not allowing them to make mistakes. But care-givers of the
elderly are told to hover more ---- step up, provide support even when not
requested, offer distraction. Hounded not to be "helicopter
parents" to our kids, we are now challenged to be "tugboat
friends" to the elderly, steering them through narrowing waters.
Perhaps the most basic thing we do for both our kids and the
elderly, is to keep them safe. For example, it is important to consider
interviewing at the end of their shifts other care-givers who help the
family. Many day-to-day responsibilities involve simply the repetitive
tasks of getting the "patient" dressed, fed, medicated and
bathed. But a daily brief review with care-givers may catch a physical
health problem while it can be easily managed.
Sometimes protecting the elderly means not telling
them everything. The single hardest thing for care-giving to Alzheimer
elderly may be that one cannot always be honest with the patient. When
they tell you something you know to be false, your instinct is to correct
them. "Sorry Mary, your husband has been dead for 20
years." But care-givers learn that the only way to handle these
moments probably is to conform to the patient's understanding of the
world. "Yes, Mary, Tom must have enjoyed that visit with the grand
kids."
Another issue is that the elderly person may need help
managing money. Careful review of the person's bills may reveal savings
they overlooked because they perpetuated spending habits of earlier days, which
are no longer necessary. Of course, this can lead to some awkward
conversations, while we gently make the case that they no longer need to be
purchasing certain items. Someone suggested a "financial driver's
license" for older Americans to prove their financial competence. In
effect, one is saying, "You are allowed to drive your own decisions, but
only if one of your adult kids is with you in the car."
Help with managing money starts in the area of regularly
paying the bills, making timely bank deposits of interest and dividend checks,
and generally keeping complete and accurate checkbook records. It is
normal for the elderly to become forgetful. Care-givers need to find a
way to monitor these important, but routine, tasks without offending the senior
citizen involved ------ a person who probably had managed such things
himself/herself for decades. Find ways to monitor bank balances without
second-guessing every transaction, and do it regularly. The penalties for
financial "drift" can be painful for your elderly care-receiver..
"I'm bored." When I was young, I was
expected to have hobbies and sports, and thus be able to entertain
myself. Now, the elderly may ask us to entertain them. As
people age, generally their social circles shrink, and while this allows older
people to focus more on those they really care about, it also increases the
burden on their care-givers. Anyone who regularly cares for an elderly
person is regularly sending along recommendations for entertainment, just as we
do for kids. "I think you would like this book."
"Should we play a game of cards?" Happily, these activity
suggestions sometimes do help.
Occasionally, a care-giver will find a conversational
subject on which the elderly care-receiver really responds, opening themselves
up to talk about their dreams and fondest memories. With skill and some
luck, the care-giver may be able to use this discovery to cause the
care-receiver to reach out in a new way and experience daily life in a new way
that becomes more of an adventure for them.
In the same way, for some elderly care-receivers, various
forms of art activities might become a passion that is discovered only later in
life. For seniors whose worlds are often shrinking, the arts may cause
new worlds to open. Just attempting something creative with an oil,
acrylic or watercolor paint brush, or simply drawing, can bring increased
self-esteem and feelings of accomplishment.
Some seniors have dedicated many decades of their earlier
life to earning a living, and never felt they could afford to explore
non-remunerative creative outlets. Now, they can be encouraged to embrace
new and positive aspects of their personal identity, for fun ---- not worrying
about earning money.
Those families and friends who are care-giving for the
elderly must understand the upside-down emotions of taking care of someone who
once could have taken care of them. We may mistakenly think that lives
move in only one direction at a time ---- from dependence to independence, and
then the reverse. We might also expect that the elderly move in a single
direction, too ---- eventually from adulthood to childhood. But,
separating these two progressions is wrong. The teaching and learning in
life always move in two directions at once, because all along a great amount of
what the elderly learn has been taught by their "children", whether
the "children" be youth or adults, and at best the children will be continuously
learning from being engaged with their elders.
___________________________________________________________________________
These thoughts are brought to you by CPC's Adult
Spiritual Development Team, hoping to encourage you to pursue some personal
spiritual growth this summer at CPC.
___________________________________________________________________________
.
No comments:
Post a Comment