Why do family feuds go on and on until everyone is dead ----
or gets too old and too tired to fight? The reason is simple: no two
families ever weigh pain on the same scale. The pain a person causes me
always feels heavier to me than it feels to the person who caused it. The
pain I inflict on you always feels worse to you than it feels to me.
I had a chance to observe a family feud first hand, a few
years ago. My Aunt Sarah from Alabama was planning a Christmas dinner for
local family members. She was now living near us in Western New York
State. She invited even distant cousins, but did not invite my family,
even though my mother was the sister of Aunt Sarah's husband. Being
omitted from the guest list really hurt our feelings. All we could think of
was that we did not have as much social standing as the invited family members,
and Aunt Sarah was trying to protect her own social standing. In my small
family circle ("the uninvited"), should we forgive Aunt Sarah,
or should we act out our true feelings, and retaliate?
SATAN'S ADVICE:
There is a lot to be said for not forgiving people who have
done us wrong. Why should people who upset our lives, leaving us bleeding
in their wake, expect us to forgive everything and act as if nothing went
wrong? Is forgiving in reality a religious trick to seduce hurting people
into putting up with wrongs they do not deserve? Remember that we are
talking about forgiving things that we feel are insufferable. We are not
talking about the petty slights that we all inevitably suffer. We are
talking about forgiving people who have wronged us deeply and unfairly.
If forgiving leaves the victim exposed and encourages the wrongdoer to hurt
again, why forgive?!
When we urge people to forgive, we are asking them to suffer
twice. First, they suffer the wrong of another person's assault.
They were ripped off. Betrayed. Left out in the cold. Now,
must they suffer a second injury and swallow the insult to boot? They are
stuck with the hurt ----- then, must they also bless the person who hurt them?
ANOTHER ANSWER:
Suppose we try to deny the hurt we feel. If we are too
afraid of our own pain to permit ourselves to feel it fully, we do not need to
deal with the issue of forgiveness. For practical purposes, there is no
hurt to forgive. But, what shoves us into crisis is when we realize the
fact that we have been treated unfairly by someone ---- someone who
did not have to do it. We can begin to forgive only when we refuse the
soft-soaped temptation of toning down the wrong that was laid on us.
Forgiving is only for people who are being honest about the wretched fact of unfair
pain. Forgiving is not for everyone.
But, suppose one refuses to settle for the past (with its
remembered hurt), and you also refuse to forgive. Is there another
option? Maybe revenge?
Vengeance is a passion to get even. It is a hot desire
to give back as much pain as someone gave you. An eye for an eye!
The problem with revenge is that it never gets what it wants ---- it never
evens the score. Vengeance always takes both the injured and the injurer
on an escalator of pain. The escalator never stops, never lets anyone off
as long as parity is demanded.
If you hurt me and I retaliate in kind, I may think that I
have given you only what you deserve, no more. But you will feel it as a
hurt that is too great for you to accept. Your passion for fairness will
force you to retaliate against me, harder this time. Then it will be my
turn. And will it ever stop?
Forgiveness is not the alternative to revenge simply
because it is soft and gentle. It is a viable alternative because it is
the only creative route to less unfairness. So says Professor
Lewis B. Smedes, a former professor of theology and ethics at Fuller
Theological Seminary, in his book Forgive and Forget.
Forgiveness has creative power to move us away from a past
moment of pain, says Prof. Smedes. It can unshackle us from an endless
chain of pain-related reactions, and create a new situation in which both the
wrongdoer and the wronged can begin in a new way.
Smedes says it well:
"Forgiveness offers
a chance at reconciliation. It is an opportunity
for a life together
instead of death together. Forgiveness is a miracle
of the will
that moves away a heavy hindrance to fellowship, a miracle
that will be
fulfilled when the two estranged people come together in as
fair a new
relationship as is possible at the time and in those circum-
stances."
Forgiveness begins midstream in the flow of unfairness,
and starts a new movement toward another fairness. An imperfect fairness,
to be sure, but better at least than an endless perpetuation of the old
unfairness. It breaks the grip that past wrong and pain have on our
minds, and frees us for whatever fairer future lies amid the unknown potential
of our tomorrows.
There is no guarantee. But, forgiving is the only
door open to possibility. Do you see any opportunities for
reconciliation with someone who has hurt you in the past? This
might be the most amazing gift you could give to yourself!
___________________________________________________________________________
These thoughts are brought to you by the CPC Adult
Spiritual Development Team, hoping to encourage you to some personal spiritual
growth this Spring.
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