If you have raised children, you might think that taking
care of children and taking care of parents are vastly different. The
first involves gradually introducing someone to the larger world. The
second, helping someone disengage from the world. With children,
we expect it will take time to care for them. With parents, we are
surprised by how much time it may take.
Also the challenges seem almost reversed. Parents of
children are badgered not to be "helicopter parents," hovering over
their kids and not allowing them to make mistakes. But children of aging
parents are told to hover more ---- step up, provide support, offer
distraction. Hounded not to be "helicopter parents" to our
kids, we're now challenged to be "tugboat children" to our parents,
steering them through narrowing waters.
Perhaps the most basic thing we do both for our kids and our
parents, is to keep them safe. It's important to consider interviewing at
the end of their shifts other care- givers who help the family. Many
day-to-day responsibilities involve simply the repetitive tasks of getting the
"patient" dressed, fed, medicated and bathed. But a daily brief
review with care-givers may catch a physical health problem while it can be
easily managed.
However, sometimes protecting parents means not telling
them everything. The single hardest thing for Alzheimer's care-givers to
learn may be that they can't always be honest with the patient. When they
tell you something you know to be false, your instinct is to correct them.
"Sorry, Mom, Dad has been dead for 20 years." But
care-givers learn that the only way to handle these moments probably is to
conform to the patient's understanding of the world. "Yes, Mom, Dad
must have enjoyed that visit with the grand kids."
Another issue is that both children and older parents need
help managing money. Careful review of a parent's bills may reveal savings they
overlooked because they perpetuated spending habits of earlier days, which are
no longer necessary. Of course, this can also lead to some awkward conversations,
while we gently make the case that they no longer need to be purchasing certain
items. Someone suggested a "financial driver's license" for
older Americans to prove their financial competence. In effect, one is saying, "You
are allowed to drive your own decisions, Mom and Dad, but only if one of your
kids is with you in the car."
Help in managing money often starts in the area of regularly
paying the bills, making timely bank deposits of interest and dividend checks,
and generally keeping complete and accurate checkbook records. It is
normal for aging parents to become forgetful. Care-givers need to find a
way to monitor these important, but routine, tasks without offending the senior
citizen involved ---- a person who probably had successfully managed such
things for decades. Find ways to monitor bank balances without
second-guessing every transaction, and do it regularly. The penalties for
financial "drift" can be painful.
"I'm bored." When I was young, I was
expected to have hobbies and sports, and thus be able to entertain
myself. Now, parents ask us to entertain them. As people
age, generally their social circles shrink, and while this allows older people
to focus more on those they really care about, it also increases the burden on
their children. Anyone who cares for parents is constantly sending along
recommendations for entertainment, just as we do with kids. "I think
you would like this book." "Should we play a game of
cards?" Happily, these activity suggestions may help. Studies
show that learning new skills, being creative, or even reminiscing, makes
"patients" happier ---- and often makes their care-giver happier,
too.
For some aging parents, various forms of art activities
might become a passion that is discovered only later in life. For seniors
whose worlds are often shrinking, the arts may cause new worlds to open.
Just attempting something creative with an oil, acrylic or watercolor
paintbrush, or simply drawing, can bring increased self-esteem and feelings of
accomplishment.
Some seniors have dedicated many decades of their earlier
life to earning a living, and never felt they could afford to explore
non-remunerative creative outlets. Now, they can be encouraged to embrace
new and positive aspects of their personal identity, for fun ---- not worrying
about profit.
One of the most important safety tasks is to fully
understand the instructions of the aging parent's doctor, and then ensure that
those instructions are carried out timely, accurately and fully. Forgetful,
aging parents will forget to take their evening pills, or will eat foods that
disagree with them. However, there are low-key ways to monitor
this. For example, a pill box with compartments for each day (or morning,
noon and night) show immediately if prescribed pills have indeed been taken
while the care-giver may have been otherwise occupied.
Those families and friends who are caring for aging parents
understand the upside-down emotions of taking care of someone who once took
care of them. We may think of life as moving in one direction, from
dependence to independence. We might also expect that our parent is
moving in a single direction, too ---- eventually, from adulthood to
childhood. But, both of these simplistic notions are wrong. The
teaching and learning in life always moves in two directions at
once, because all along a great amount of what parents learn is taught
by their children, whether the children be youth or adults, and the children
should continue to be learning from and engaged with their aging parents.
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These thoughts are brought to you by CPC's Adult
Spiritual Development Team, hoping to encourage you to pursue some personal
spiritual growth this fall at CPC.
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