WEEKLY COMMENTARY: In the New Year, Do We Need Reconciliation With Anyone?

Is there someone with whom you need to rebuild a broken relationship?  Is there someone who caused you pain in the year that is now behind us?

So, how do we forgive?  What does it mean to reconcile with your "enemy"?  Can we learn to forgive those who have hurt us so deeply that the pain does not seem to go away?

Forgiveness is not a weak substitute for revenge, just because forgiveness is soft and gentle.  Actually, it is the best alternative because it is the only creative route to less unfairness.  Hard as forgiveness seems at the time, forgiveness has creative power to move us away from a past moment of pain, block us from an endless chain of pain-giving responses, and to create a new situation in which both the wrongdoer and the wronged can begin in a new way.   There is no guarantee, but forgiving is the only door open to the possibilities of renewal.

Forgiveness, of course, is not an easy practice to master.  Sometimes hurts seem too great, betrayals too treacherous, to be forgiven.  Sometimes forgiveness can be mistaken for weakness and vulnerability, even by those who seek to forgive.  While forgiveness loves the sinner, it also needs to say clearly that the sinful behavior is unacceptable.

Forgiveness is about being able to accept our human situation with all the ambiguity and messiness it entails.  It's about accepting the fact that inevitably people do disappoint one another.  Because we are limited in time, in talent and in the ability to understand everything about one another, we often miss the mark.  Forgiveness means accepting others ---- and ourselves ---- as human, and not being divine.  Forgiveness means resisting a defensive response when we are hurt ---- a response that effectively cuts off the other person.  But, as much as we might like forgiveness to be a "forgive and forget" moment, our lives do not work that way.  Often, forgiving is an extended process, with moments of retreat for us to overcome.

In the summer of 2004, my wife and I spent a week living on a Blackfoot Indian reservation in western Montana.  We were members of a volunteer project sponsored by a national organization that gives a helping hand to needy communities.  It was a little like CPC's high school mission trips, except ours was not church-sponsored.

We spent time with some very friendly Blackfoot Indian families, and were invited to their community meetings.  One night, a tribal elder shared a lesson I still remember.  That lesson was as relevant to my wife an me as it was to the Blackfoot Indian audience.

               "An old Indian grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him

                with anger at a friend who had done him an injustice,  .  .  .  'Let me

                tell you a story.' "

               "I, too, at times, have felt a great hate for those who have taken too

                much, with no sorrow for what they do.  But hate wears you down,

                and does not hurt your enemy.  It is like you taking poison and wishing

                your enemy would die.  I have struggled with these feelings many times."

                He continued .  .  .   "It is as if there were two wolves inside me.  One is

                good and does no harm.  He lives in harmony with all around him, and 

                he does not take offense when no offense was intended.  He will fight 

                only when it is right to do so, and in the right way.  He saves all his 

                energy for the right fight."

               "But the other wolf, ahhh.  He is full of anger.  The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper.  He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason.  He 

                cannot think because his anger and hate are so great.  It is hopeless

                anger for his anger will change nothing."

               "Sometimes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of 

                them try to dominate my spirit." 

                The boy looked intently into his grandfather's eyes and asked, "Which one

                wins, Grandfather?"

                The grandfather smiled and quietly said .  .  .  . "The one I feed."

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These thoughts are brought to you by CPC's Adult Spiritual Development Team, hoping you will pursue some personal spiritual growth this winter.

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