From time to time, we all have a friend or two whose morale
seems low. Perhaps they are bored with their job, overwhelmed by medical
or financial issues, or just overworked. As a caring friend, you wonder
if there is anything you can do to help. And yet, we do not want to
intrude too much on their privacy, or imply that we think they are not up to
solving their own problems, by themselves.
There are a number of ways to engage our hurting friend in
personal conversation, but one way I have often found fruitful is to gently
ask, "What personal gifts do you think you have?" The very
nature of the question ---- "What gifts do you have?" ---- seems to
affirm the person's dignity and hopefully encourages them to take a more
positive attitude about their life. This is not asking how do they spend
their time, but rather to think about the choices they might be making in the
use of their personal gifts.
I think of a "personal gift" as any talent or
skill which one uses better, easier or more successfully than most other
people. Therefore, employing one's personal gifts is often a source of
pleasure, providing a warm sense of achievement.
Usually the friend will cite a gift or two, with a sense of
pride. What personal gifts has God given to you that can be used
to improve your life? Too often folks do not even focus on whether they have
any "gifts". So, they need to take inventory. How
can they be a better steward of their gifts and personal resources, and thus
develop the God-given potential that they have had from the very start?
Surprisingly, a person's inward opinion of their gifts may
be quite different from what they tell you about themselves. Sometimes a
bit of false modesty creeps in ---- they do not want to appear to be
bragging! At other times we'll hear a personal gift described that had
totally eluded us in our relationship with this friend. I remember that
as a teenager I had some dreams based on gifts I "wished" myself into
believing that I had, but didn't have. Luckily I outgrew those false gift
illusions.
So, what do you say to a friend who tells you, "Yes, I have
several personal gifts I would like to develop, but my daily life is already
committed ---- I have a demanding job, and a wife and kids, so I have no time
just now to try new things." Many of us can sympathize with this
over-committed friend. It may sound a little grand, but how about trying
to enjoy the feast by taking just a few bites at a time, chewing thoroughly,
and savoring the flavor?
I once had a friend who had a passion for soccer, but knew
he was no longer young enough to continue playing. He turned to coaching
a YMCA youth team and was happy to discover that he not only had a gift for
soccer, but also a gift for teaching youngsters the finer points of the
game. He simply adjusted how to use his gifts to fit his new circumstances.
That reminds me of another important point. When you
inventory your personal gifts, some of those gifts show up over and over again
through the years. However, be alert to new arrivals. New
experiences, new challenges and new relationships with other people, may bring
some new items to our personal gift inventory. Some people call this
"growth" ---- you should treat it as a blessing, and put it to work.
Where does this take us? First, we need to be really
clear about the nature of our own gifts, and find ways and time to employ
them. Secondly, when we encounter someone who will focus mainly on his or
her problems, not on their gifts, draw them into conversation about this
unfamiliar aspect of their lives, their gifts. If you are lucky, you will
have some impact on their viewpoint ---- a negative viewpoint that has been
blinding them to the positive capabilities, skills and resources they
possess. But we cannot "fix" anybody. Ideally, they
will come to see a person (themselves) who is full of possibilities given to
them by God.
The beauty of this approach is that their "cure",
their capacity for renewal, lies within themselves. You are
simply the catalyst and encouragement, but that is indispensable
help.
However, remember, your role as encourager is not a one-shot
assignment. Keep giving positive reinforcement, praise, and appreciation
to your friend, for having continued the hard work they have
started.
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These thoughts are brought to you by CPC's Adult
Spiritual Development Team, hoping to encourage you to pursue some
personal spiritual growth this Fall at CPC.
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