My niece Caroline has just finished her Freshman year at
college. She worked hard and earned good grades. She made some new
friends from other parts of the country. She told me that as she looks
back on her high school years, she can see that she is more self-confident and
more socially skilled.
"But one thing still bothers me," she said, as we
recently met for lunch. "Someone in my dormitory put out on the
internet some stories about me that were not true, and they were very
embarrassing. Before I realized it, everyone had heard these false
stories."
"I persuaded several friends to put out messages of
rebuttal, but not everyone on campus believed the rebuttals. It was very
hurtful. It caused me much pain and social isolation. I became
quite bitter and thought about revenge."
"Then I discovered who was the author of these
falsehoods," Caroline said.
Some of Caroline's friends now have encouraged her to
confront this person. Caroline says she is faced with a dilemma: "Do
I forgive the perpetrator, or seek revenge?!!
As Caroline's "wise, old uncle," I thought I
was being asked for advice. Here is what I told Caroline.
"Let's look at the two sides of your dilemma," I
suggested. "What message does that word FORGIVE convey? I think Webster's
tells us it means ceasing to feel resentment against an offender."
"But, there is a lot to be said for not forgiving
people who have done us wrong. Why should people who have upset our
lives, leaving us bleeding in their wake, expect us to forgive everything and
act as if nothing went wrong? We are not talking about the petty slights
that we all inevitably suffer. We are talking about forgiving people who
have wronged us deeply and unfairly. If forgiving leaves the victim
exposed and encourages the wrongdoer to hurt again, why forgive?"
"If you hurt me and I retaliate in kind, I may think I
have given you only what you deserve, no more. But you will feel it as a
hurt that is too great to accept. Your passion for fairness will force you
to retaliate against me, harder this time. Then it will be my turn.
And will it ever stop? This is how family feuds progress, and go on and
on until everyone is dead ---- or gets too old and too tired to fight."
"Now, let's look at forgiveness. It is not
the alternative to revenge, just because forgiveness is soft and gentle.
It is the best alternative because it is the only creative route to less
unfairness. Hard as forgiveness seems at the time, forgiveness has
creative power to move us from a past moment of pain, block us from an endless
chain of pain-giving reactions, and to create a new situation in which both the
wrongdoer and the wronged can begin in a new way. There is no guarantee,
but forgiving is the only door open to new possibilities."
"So, how do we forgive? Forgiveness means
accepting others ---- and ourselves ---- as human and not divine.
Forgiveness means resisting a defensive response when we are hurt ---- a
response that would mean cutting off the other person. Forgiveness means
risking the pain of living, and holding to a hope that disappointments and hurt
do not have to be the final word."
I continued, "Forgiveness is a process ---- a
journey. As much as we might like forgiveness to be a "forgive and
forget" moment, lives do not work that way. Old hurts have a way of
resurfacing so we are led to examine a new facet of a wound we had hoped had
healed. Forgiveness is a commitment to face life with a posture that
takes risks rather than protects, while struggling with the
fact that there are times when protection is the wise choice.
"Finally," I said, "forgiveness is not
passivity. It is an active response to brokenness. While refusing
to return evil for evil, forgiveness can also be an act of resistance,
refusing to let evil continue. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s tactic of
nonviolent resistance is an example of forgiveness that refuses to let evil
continue. By resisting segregation, civil rights workers were saying no
to racism, but by being nonviolent they were inviting the enemy to join the
community. Forgiveness loves the sinner while saying clearly that the sin
is unacceptable."
About then the waiter brought our check, and Caroline
remembered she had a babysitting assignment. "If I'm late, I am not
sure they will forgive me," Caroline said with a chuckle.
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These thoughts are brought to you by the Adult Spiritual
Development Team at CPC, hoping to encourage your personal spiritual growth
this summer.
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